


Memories

by SecretStream



Category: Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy - Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Mentions of Character Death, Multi, Post-Book 6: City of Heavenly Fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:55:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28794261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecretStream/pseuds/SecretStream
Summary: Simon gets back his memories of Raphael... and the others find his reaction slightly unexpected.
Relationships: Simon Lewis/Isabelle Lightwood, Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago
Kudos: 17





	Memories

The first time Simon remembers Raphael after being at the Academy for a few months, he runs away. He throws up in the bushes at the park a few times and then spends hours there thinking. Nobody told him about Raphael’s importance to him because nobody had known about them. He knows that Raphael’s dead though, remembers the pain in his chest when he died, remembers Sebastion’s face as he said,  _ “I killed the one that made you.” _ He remembers giving up his immortality, his memory, to save everyone else, yes, but also in grief for Raphael. He wouldn’t remember anything about him. Not the fights, not the kisses shared in the middle of the night, not even when Raphael tried to kill him. Not their first date, or the first time they said  _ I love you _ . Nothing. Yeah. It had  _ seemed _ like a good idea at the time.

He had come to the Academy when he had started slowly getting his memories back. His friends helped him, Clary and Maia and Luke, even Alec and Jace and Magnus, and of course, Isabelle, who he had some sort of thing with now. She said she had liked him before, but he never seemed interested. He knew why now. But he likes Isabelle, wants to kiss her and go on dates with her, just not at this moment. Right now, he wants to grieve Raphael on his own.

Nobody finds him at the park until morning, when Catarina walks up to him sitting on a swing and dragging his feet. “Hey, Simon,” she says gently. “What happened? We’ve been worried. You ran out of class yesterday looking decidedly spooked.”

Simon looked at Catarina, dear, sweet Catarina, who was perhaps the nicest person Simon had ever met, even though she tried to pretend she wasn't, and he broke down, crying for the first time that night. Well, morning now. “If I tell you,” he sniffed. “Will you please not tell anyone else? At least not yet?”

Catarina looked briefly shocked when he began crying, but she quickly pulled him off the swing and into a hug. They sank down to sit on the grass, and she rubbed his back as she said, “Of course I won’t. Whatever it is, it’s not my story to tell.”

Simon nodded, and opened his mouth. “I remembered Raphael,” he managed to get out through his tears. 

Catarina’s mouth dropped open in the slightest amount of realization. “Nobody told you about him, did they?” she whispered.

Simon shook his head. “Even- even if they had, they couldn’t have told me everything. He was more than my sire. Before he… died, we were- we were dating. I loved him. I  _ love _ him.” He looked up at Catarina. 

Catarina looked shocked and sad at the same time. “Oh, Simon. I’m so sorry.” She wrapped him tighter in her arms. 

“It’s okay,” Simon was crying again. “You didn’t know. Nobody did. We made sure of it. Okay, Lily knew. But, you know. I’m pretty sure if I went up to her now, she’d kill me.”

Catarina chuckled. “I doubt that. But with Lily you never know.” Simon smiled shakily. “Do you want to come back now, or do want to be left alone a while longer? I promise I won’t tell.”

“Can I stay here for a little bit? I promise I’ll be back for lunch.” Simon asked.

Catarina smiled softly. “Yeah, sure. Don’t stay too long.”

“I won’t.”

\---

Simon gets back to the Academy in the middle of lunch time. He grabs an apple and some cheese, and heads up to his room. George isn’t there, probably at lunch like everyone else, so he calls Izzy. “Simon?” she says when she picks up. “Are you okay? I heard you ran away yesterday. What happened?”

Simon isn’t sure he’s ready for this, but he clears his throat and says, “I remembered Raphael, who, by the way, no one thought to tell me about.” Maybe this was a bad idea. He didn’t call Isabelle just to yell at her.

“Oh,” Isabelle sounds breathless. “We forgot to tell you about Raphael. Simon, I’m so sorry. There was so much to tell you, and Raphael seemed less important next to everything else.” 

“Less important to  _ you _ , maybe,” Simon snaps. Then he sighs. “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t call you to snap at you. I’m just emotional and upset, and I really called to ask if I could have a little while before we have our next date. Just if we could skip the one tomorrow, really? We can go next Sunday, though, if you want.”

“Why?” Isabelle sounds hurt. 

“I just- I just remembered Raphael, and to you he may have died months ago, but to me it feels like he just died yesterday, and he  _ mattered  _ to me Isabelle, in a way he didn’t to you.” Simon’s voice cracks on the word mattered.

“He mattered to me,” Isabelle protests. “I wouldn’t have hurt him. I would have helped him if he really needed it.” 

“It’s not the same thing. I- he- I  _ loved _ him, Isabelle. And I need some time to grieve for  _ him _ before I can see  _ you _ . Because if I see you tomorrow, I’ll feel too guilty to have fun with you. I need at least a few weeks before I can do that again.”

“You loved him,” Izzy says. “As in, he was your sire, or as in…”

Simon laughs bitterly. “Yes, as in I was  _ in love _ with him. And he was in love with me. And then he died, and I didn’t want to live for eternity without him. So…”

Izzy was quiet for a few moments. “I understand,” she says finally. “You need a bit before you can be with  _ me _ , because in your mind, you’re still with him.”

“Yeah,” Simon said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I suppose it’s a bit our fault anyway, for not telling you about him. Take a few weeks, or a few months, or as much time as you need. You deserve time to grieve for him, Simon. I’ll be waiting, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

Simon sagged with relief. “Thank you.”

“And if I can make a suggestion?” Isabelle asks.

“Yeah?”

“You should go talk to Magnus. He was pretty close to Raphael, and he might be able to help you. And before you ask, Alec told me that. Blame him for gossiping.”

“Okay. I hadn’t thought about that, but I’ll do it. Tomorrow, though. I haven’t slept in over a day now, and I’m pretty drained, so that’s what I’m going to do now.”

“Alright,” Izzy laughs. “Bye Simon.”

“Bye, Izzy.”

\---

Simon knocks on Magnus and Alec’s door in Alicante the next morning. It’s already 10:30, so he had naturally expected them to be up by then. But Magnus opens the door in silk robe and bare feet. Simon blinks. “It’s 10:30,” he says. 

“Your point is?” Magnus asks.

Simon shakes his head. “Never mind. Can I come in? Is Alec here?”

Now Magnus was the one blinking. “Um, did I invite you?”

Simon hesitates. “Well, no. But I want to talk to you.”

Magnus sighs dramatically. “Fine, come in. And Alec’s not here, he’s in New York for a few days. Couldn’t you talk to someone else?”

“No one who isn’t busy,” Simon says. He didn’t actually know if Lily was busy or not, but he still wasn’t certain she wouldn’t bite his head off if he showed up.

“ _ I’m _ busy,” Magus says.

Simon looks pointedly at his attire.

Magnus sighs. “Oh, all right. What did you want to talk about?”

Simon swallows. This is the hard part. “I remembered Raphael yesterday. Or, I guess Friday, but I didn’t really sleep that night, so I don’t know if it counts.”

Magnus sat up straighter when he heard Raphael’s name. “You remembered Raphael?”

Simon glared. “Yes. Who, I might add, no one bothered to remind me about, including you!” He slumped in his chair. “Everyone else just forgot about him. But you wouldn’t have. So why didn’t you remind me?”

Magnus’ eyes registered the slightest amount of surprise. “I suppose I thought he wasn’t that important to you. Although he was your sire, so I really should have guessed this would happen,” he mused. “But beyond that, I thought you might be angry at him once you learned about everything that happened. I don’t think I could take you hating him,” Magnus admitted. 

Simon softened slightly. “I don’t hate him,” he said.

“Really?” Magnus asked skeptically. “Tell me again why you barged into my house to yell at me at this hour of the morning, then?”

Simon rolled his eyes. “ I didn’t  _ barge _ in. I knocked. And it’s 10:45,” he reminded him. 

“It’s  _ Sunday _ .”

“Anyway, I don’t hate him, and I’m not angry with him,” Simon said. “I just want to talk to you because you knew him better than anyone else, even me. And because Izzy told me I should.”

Magnus raised an eyebrow. “Izzy told you to talk to me? Why? Aren’t you supposed to be having your lovely little Sunday date today?”

“I called it off. We had a little talk, none of which is your business, and she told me to talk to you. Because you were, and I quote, “pretty close to Raphael.” And before you ask, it was Alec who told her about you two, so, you know, blame him. I already knew anyway.”

Magnus sighed. “I’m not getting out of this am I? Very well then. What did you want to talk about?”

Simon stared. “I hadn’t really thought that far ahead to be honest,” he finally admitted.

“Of course you didn’t,” Magnus grumbled. “I guess I’ll start then. With my own questions. How did  _ you _ know Raphael so well then? Or as well as you seem to think you do?”

Simon held his hands up in surrender. “I never claimed to know everything about him. But I was planning to learn it all.” He took a shaky breath, shaking off Magnus’ suspicious look, and tried to blink back tears. It worked well enough, but when he tried to talk, the tears spilled over, and he turned his face away from Magnus in an effort to hide them. 

“Hey,” Magnus’ voice was soft now. “Are you all right?”

Simon was suddenly angry. “Of course I’m not okay!” he burst out. “Maybe he died months ago to you, but to me it’s like he just died yesterday. I just-” he curled in on himself. “I just really miss him,” he said in a small voice.

“Oh,” Magnus said in a subdued voice. “I hadn’t thought about that.”

Simon looked up. “That I would miss him, or...?” he asked.

“Both,” Magnus admitted. “It might sound selfish, but I hadn’t expected anyone else to really miss him as I do. Except the clan. Which you weren’t part of.”

“No,” Simon said. “But I knew him. I loved him.”

Magnus jolted. “You loved him?”

“Yes. And yes, as in I was in love with him. We were dating.”

Magnus looked scandalized. “And you didn’t bother to tell me?!”

Simon rolled his eyes but said earnestly, “We wanted to. Well, Raphael wanted to. But at first we didn’t tell anyone but Lily, and then when we would have, you were shut up all the time, being all broody over Alec, and then... well, you know. It just never happened.”

“I was  _ not  _ being broody over Alec.”

“You were. Don’t even try to deny it.”

Magnus huffed. “Whatever. Get out. Go back to your school and practice your stuff. Bye!” he said cheerfully, as he guided Simon to the door, and gently pushed him out. “See you some other time that’s not right now.”

Simon left, shaking his head slightly as he did. Talking to Magnus almost always gave him a headache. He had no idea how Alec managed to deal with him.

When he got back to the Academy, he went to the training room and shot arrows until he couldn’t think anymore. Then he went to his room and cried into his pillow and fell asleep. When he woke up, it was dark out and he was starving, but he felt better than he had any other time during the last two and a half days. That was the moment when he realized that things  _ would _ eventually get better. Somehow. Maybe some days he’d feel so terrible that he won’t get out of bed, but those days will pass, and the better days will come.

He smiled, and then left to find food. Seriously. He hadn’t eaten since that banana at breakfast. 

**Author's Note:**

> I know the ending isn’t great, but I couldn’t think of any other way to end it without it turning into this huge story, which is never what this was supposed to be. This was only supposed to be therapy writing to make me feel better about Raphael’s death. Because I have too many feelings about that.


End file.
